


Rumi of Caerbannog

by FergardStratoavis



Category: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Gen, Pure Crack, Still Wrote It, Stream of Consciousness, probable OOC, probably a bad idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 15:17:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20428076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FergardStratoavis/pseuds/FergardStratoavis
Summary: "Did you know that Usagiyama has Scottish ancestry?"Or; how Hawks stared into the abyss and it stared right back with its sharp, pointy teeth.





	Rumi of Caerbannog

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for what I am unleashing upon you. The idea just sprung in my mind, and wouldn't leave. It's pure crack, and therefore may not be subject to rules of proper characterization. Please bear with me. The "graphic violence" warning is put down just to be sure. I mean, this is the Rabbit of Caerbannog we're talking about.

“Did you know that Usagiyama has Scottish ancestry?”

Hawks blinked from above his glass of punch. The festivities were in full force, with the colorful spectrum of pro-heroes being the main event of today’s evening gala. Not everyone was present, of course – Endeavor excused himself near-immediately, as did the ancient Yoroi-Musha. No. 2 Hero himself had just managed to escape the attention of info-starved paparazzi – they instead gravitated towards Kamui Woods; something about his “affair” with Mt. Lady? - and so he hoped to enjoy a brief moment of peace and quiet.

And then Ryukyu dropped this _fascinating_ bit of trivia onto his head. “Well, it’s only hearsay from a gossip site, but she never denied it.” Tatsuma, as striking as ever in her dress, merely shrugged and had a sip of her own punch. “Some journalists were poking into her past record, both as a hero-in-training and in her early years as a pro, and that’s when that little tidbit came out.”

“Honestly, I’m not sure I know where Scotland even is.” Neither of them were fooled by Hawks’s cheerful display of ignorance. “Still, huh, makes you think. How did they learn that?”

“You know how “Miruko” is a name inspired by some MMA martial artist, right? Apparently she used to go by something else entirely.” Tatsuma leaned in conspiratorially. “Tell me, Hawks, ever heard of Caerbannog?” This time, The No. 2 Hero was genuinely stumped. The name rung some kind of bell, but his knowledge of Europe was spotty at best.

“Can’t say I do. I’m more impressed you can spell it out so easily, honestly.”

“It rolls off the tongue once you get used to the pronunciation.” Tatsuma admitted sheepishly. “But yeah, before the whole battling moon rabbit aesthetic, she used to run a more feral look.”

“Huh.” It was true that many heroes started off with eccentric costumes and gimmicks in hopes of being noticed by the mainstream before branching out into something more easily marketable. Once you had the popularity, there was no need to make yourself look like a weirdo. “Kinda want to watch something from that time.”

“Apparently most records have vanished without the trace.” Spooky. Was Miruko of all people conscious about her aesthetic? “People can pay a small mountain in yen to catch a ten second snip from a shaky hand cam.”

“How about that…?” It sounded like something that could be worth investigating in what little spare time he had right now. Asking their rocket bunny was probably out of the question. Best case scenario, Hawks would be missing a few teeth. No, this probably required something of a more nuanced search. Some kind of more insidious means of acquiring the information… something underhanded and-

\----

“...you want me to search _what?_” Okay, so maybe asking Dabi of all people wasn’t the best course of action…

...but hey, Hawks could kill two birds with one stone here. Maybe. Huge “if”. “Look, pal, I thought you’re the one getting into our good graces and not the other way around.”

“I know, I know. Bear with me for a second.” They were perched atop a block in Hosu, overlooking the bustling night life. “It might pay off for you big time.”

“Oh yeah? I’m looking for the bridge you want to sell me.” Hawks barely resisted an urge to roll his eyes. Dabi had an acerbic tongue, and he knew it well.

“Okay, so you know how most heroes start off by applying some weird gimmick to themselves? Like an indie wrestling scene, or something like that.”

“Yeah?”

“When a hero, especially a big name like Miruko, switches to something more kid-friendly, they tend to try and burn all the bridges with the past self.” Dabi raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. “A hero’s beginning can be real embarrassing, is what I mean.”

“And?”

“Aaaand having something to embarrass one of the top five in Japan seems like a pretty neat thing to have. Physical force’s all well and good, but having some sway in the media helps.” That made sense, Dabi concluded silently. Wonder if they could find something embarrassing on Hawks himself. Then again, his track record suggested nothing else but backbreaking work. Probably not worth checking out.

...why was Dabi even entertaining that was beyond him, but hey, Shigaraki just told him to “just do your thing, staple-face”. He could probably prod Giran about it – could be good for a laugh, dunno – but… “Alright, let’s say I bite. Why should we give anything to you though?”

“I think I might have an easier way of distributing it around than you guys. No offense.”

“Uh-huh. And what if it doesn’t work?”

“Well, it’ll be some food for thought, innit?” Hawks grinned audaciously. “Just doing my part in providing valuable intel.”

“Yeah, “valuable” intel alright.”

\----

Amazingly, The League of Villains delivered.

“For starters, the fact that Shigaraki won’t shut up about “worms” is entirely on you.” Dabi groused, handing over the disc. Hawks raised an eyebrow. “Apparently there’s some inside joke he and Spinner found in the footage, but they didn’t feel like sharing the details.”

“Well, your service is greatly appreciated.”

“I sure hope it is.” Dabi’s eyes narrowed slightly. “This is the sole copy of the full footage of the Caerbannog Rabbit. There is nothing else like it not just in Japan, but in the entire world. If I told you the price of this little thing, it would make all of your feathers stand upright.”

“Well, that’s a bit weird. I thought we’ve long since evolved past losing information forever.” Hawks knew Miruko well enough, and premeditated removal of her past, no matter how embarrassing, didn’t seem very like her. The staple-face in front of him seemed to guess his train of thought easily enough.

“Apparently UK government got involved. The gist of the story is this: there was a villain clique called Rounds of the Knight Table involving some prominent officials. Big uproar. Also, your killer bunny is barred from entering the British Isles for ten more years.”

“Well, killing is something that happens even if we don’t want it to.” Endeavor could vouch for that, Hawks thought – they were in Hosu again, after all. “So she messed someone up, huh?”

“I don’t know if “messed up” does it justice.” Did Dabi just… blanch? It was hard to tell, given both the dead of night and his unique looks, but it seemed whatever Miruko did was enough to shake a hardened killer like him. “Oh yeah, I’ll field you therapy costs for Compress and myself. Just so you know.”

“...uh, you’re welcome.”

“I really am not.”

\----

Well, all that was left to do was to watch this accursed disc.

Dabi probably wouldn’t hype it up like this if there wasn’t some kind of substance behind it. Of course, maybe he was about to get pranked – or worse. Who could forget that one infamous villain from America who could hypnotize people via screens both big and small? The League of Villains might have been a bunch of jackasses living in the basement, but they had _some_ kind of backer even in spite of their monstrous boss’s forced retirement. And, for all it was worth, Hawks was willing to believe that the disc currently being inserted into his laptop was indeed worth a small fortune.

The feed was… bad. As in, old movie bad, complete with a shaky cam and splotches of broken record. Whoever made this copy must have had limited funds to work with. If the incident was big that the British government had to get involved… worse, it was a first person view, trailing a bunch of loons dressed up as medieval knights. These must have been the Rounds.

...what was that sound of coconuts clicking against each other?

“Halt! ‘tis here, brave knights!” The voice of the presumed recorder called out – apparently his name was Tim – stopping the whole pity party cold. “The cave is just ahead.” Hawks watched, idly learning what a Scottish accent sounded like. Things escalated rather quickly. There was Usagiyama, standing before the errant party. Their ringleader, Arthur (“King of the Britons”, as he insistently called himself all the time), sent in one of the lackeys in spite of the recorder’s warnings.

And then Hawks’s eyes turned as wide as saucers. The terrified “JAYSUS KUH-REIST” only reached him a moment later once he was done processing the sheer amount of blood and gore on screen. Yyyyikes. Subconsciously, the No. 2 Hero ran a finger over his upper teeth, watching those hapless fools charge Usagiyama head on, a dozen men strong.

...this was definitely not the kind of footage that you could show before 10 PM. Or in any mainstream television, period. Yikes. And then the situation got even worse (better)? Apparently Usagiyama of old liked to posture like she was an indie heel wrestler, to boot. Then the Rounds threw some kind of explosive at her, to no visible effect – she had half a mind to dodge. The feed cut shortly after once British police began pouring in, with few more pros at the helm.

...and now he was supposed to give that to the mainstream? Talk about a conundrum. Before he knew what he was doing, he picked up the phone and put in Ryukyu’s number. “...hey, Tatsuma? I might need a second opinion.”

\----

“...where the hell did you get that?”

The No. 2 and No. 10 heroes stared at the still image on Hawks’s laptop, depicting Usagiyama Rumi, then Ferocious Hero Caerbannog, cackling like a madman with a set of triangular, sharp-as-knives chompers on full display. Her entire face – as well as parts of her costume stylized into an old-school punk look, complete with a crossed-over Union Jack on her jacket’s back – was caked with the blood of the hapless bastard who charged her first.

“Would you believe me if I told you I found it?” Tatsuma gave the winged hero a long look. “I found it on a crook I apprehended yesterday.”

“Some random crook would carry this kind of thing around?”

“Beats me. CD’s are so rare these days, he probably was too skittish to actually see it.” Long silence. “I, uh, I don’t really know what to do with this.”

“No kidding...” A “more feral look” wasn’t exactly the right phrase to give this little video justice. “You should probably just give it to Usagiyama.”

“I don’t know, I like having all of my teeth – and arteries, Jesus Christ – intact.” A fair enough assessment, Ryukyu thought. Even if it was just a thing of the past, a foolhardy attempt at shining through the countless other novice pros, the press would drag Miruko over the coals for this. She already had enough bad rap as the shameless advertiser of the lone wolf mentality or, which annoyed Ryukyu more, not adhering to the acceptable “standards” of what a “proper female pro” should be about.

You’d think they would cut a No. 5 Hero in the country some slack… “...well, who knows. People might love it.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Pro-heroing is a lot like pro-wrestling. The villains are basically heels… but then you have those heels that people are...” Hawks snickered softly. “head over heels for.”

“Did you just—“

“And that would be the Caerbannog Usagiyama.” Long pause again. Tatsuma didn’t appear to be very convinced. “Maybe she could edge out Edgeshot for the fourth spot. Or even best Jeanist for the podium.”

“...you’re doing these puns on purpose.”

“How could you tell? Is it the feeling of abject terror at the thought of an angry rabbit lady kicking the doors of my place down in righteous fury?” Hawks might have been exaggerating a tad, but he really wouldn’t want to face a furious Miruko if he could help it. Tatsuma gave him a sympathetic look. “So yeah, any advice is welcome.”

\----

Earlier, in some undisclosed location…

“What the hell is this, staple-face?”

“It’s _probably_ a snuff film.”

“...what?”

\----

It was hard to keep himself from watching the damn thing, admittedly.

Hawks stared blankly at the screen as the video finished once again. UK Hero Laws had to be really, _really_ lenient to let Usagiyama off the hook with just a travel ban. Or maybe the Brits found it funny? This entire video seemed to be a comedy of gorey absurdity, one frame at a time. Further investigation of the Rounds revealed most of them to be complete lunatics engaging in crimes most various, from jaywalking to hot-blooded killing (that Lancelot guy was a particularly murderous case). Apparently their end-game was finding “The most holy Grail”.

A quick search revealed that the Holy Grail was a mythical cup of wonders. It was also an object of search of the original King Arthur and his Knights of the Round. Arthurian mythology turned out to be a piece of work, what’s with murderous knights, obscure artifacts, and something about Mordred being a tube baby…?

...but seriously, watching Usagiyama bite someone like that was like watching a car crash in slow motion. He couldn’t pry his eyes away. Did that make him a bad person? Or just one with sick interests? He knew lots of people with weird interests that were moral all in all, like…

…

He had to do something about this disc.

\----

“Hawks, this better be good.”

There was a reason No. 2 Hero picked the dead of night to deliver his mysterious package. Miruko was a most decisively diurnal creature, and an absolute bedraggled mess when pulled out of her sweet slumber. With her ears pinned down against her head, the mane of white locks all over her face and an oversized “GYM BUNNY” shirt as her only perceivable piece of clothing – complete with a muscular, All Might-esque rabbit posing – she would be in no position to murder the life out of him.

Deciding not to drag it out any longer – and risking finding sweet release of death – Hawks simply offered her the box in which he put the unfortunate piece of evidence. “Take this, and don’t ask questions.” Miruko gave him a long glare before simply accepting the box in question. Well, that was easy.

“You know that just makes me want to ask some questions, smartass.”

“Trust me, you’re better off not knowing. I also need to go iron my dog kay bye.” And then he was gone, disappearing into the dark. Usagiyama blinked, then stared down at the box. Hawks, for all of his unabashed tendency to joke and make puns, never seemed to her like a prankster type. He also had enough braincells to know she was the last person he or anyone else should be pranking.

So this had to be something big.

Was it big enough to interrupt her sleep? Oh no. Hawks was getting hell the moment she had her morning doppio.

\----

“u me my place at 3 pm”

“A surprisingly subdued message for her...” Hawks muttered to himself, pocketing the phone. A collection of his feathers was just about done incapacitating the minor villain nearby. He would be in no position to do much until the police arrived. “Oh, hold on there, folks.” He called over to a bunch of adoring fans making way towards him. Having a multitasking Quirk was nice, but he couldn’t afford to be too arrogant with it. Villains could do the strangest things.

Honestly, he was expecting something more furious. Maybe Usagiyama was so unbelievably livid that she looped back to disturbing serenity. Maybe they would never find his body. Or maybe he was going to get through this somehow. Time itself would tell.

\----

“Okay, for starters, where did you get that?”

It was just the two of them. Miruko’s place was big and spacious, but fairly simply furnished, at least as far as the living room area went. Usagiyama herself was looking unusually serious. No small wonder, Hawks thought, suddenly mighty interested in the ripples in his coffee. “Hawks, I’m talking to you.”

“A happy accident. I got it off a crook I apprehended the other day.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah, sure you did.” Well, crap. Looks like she was onto him. “Look, I’m not mad or anythin’.” Yeah, sure. “I’m just curious how the hell you got that.” Alright, alright, just keep it together. You’ve been infiltrating LOV for a while now, sure you can handle some falsified heart-to-heart. Hawks’s head rose slightly, their eyes met.

“Okay, so… remember that Dabi guy me and Endeavor fought?”

“The staple-face? Can’t forget that freakozoid even if I tried to.” Nod, a slight ear jiggle. “So you got it off him, then?”

“Yeah, though it was still an accident.” Hawks shook his head with a forced chuckle. “Was patrolling Hosu at night, bumped into him. He bailed on me before I could capture him though. Left the disc behind though.” A brief silence. “My guess is, LOV’s trying to discredit the top ten, and they started with you since you’re the easiest to pin controversies to. No offense.”

“None taken. It’s a badge of pride.” Miruko grinned. Her teeth were very decidedly non-pointy at the moment, with only a slight edge to them. “Can see why they would think this would do. I’ve been a nasty kid when I was starting out.”

“Y-yeah, about that…”

“But hey, I’ve been fighting nasty villains back in Scotland. Had to compensate for it.” Hawks hesitated to call the Rounds very nasty, Lancelot aside. “May not look like it, but I’ve always been a bit of a history buff. Wanted my first go at pro-heroics to have something to do with the place I lived in.” Usagiyama rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Of course, once they kicked me out of the UK and I went back to Japan everybody went “oh, Rumi, you can’t, what would the children think?” and all that. Hence the name change and the current moon rabbit theme.”

“Fair enough.” You learned something new every day, Hawks thought.

“Honestly… I didn’t think there were any copies left.” Miruko’s smile turned sheepish. “I know I was a bit of a hotheaded dumbass back then, but it’s still a memory. After the whole mess blew up and I got shipped back to Japan, I didn’t expect anyone to find it, much less deliver it to my doorstep, so… thanks, Hawks. Much appreciate it.”

“I was hoping for a kiss. Or a date.”

“I know you’re joking, but don’t push your luck. You still woke me up at 3:32 AM.”

“...yeah, fair enough.”

\----

“So you gave it back to her?”

“Yup.” It was yet another big meeting of the hero elites. Yet again did Endeavor excuse himself near immediately, and yet again did Hawks and Ryukyu found themselves by the punch bowl. The paparazzi didn’t want to relent on questioning Kamui Woods even for a bit. “She didn’t bite my head off, as you can see, so it’s a net gain.”

“Good for you. And for her, I suppose. She’s peppier than usual.” Indeed, a little further to the side was the dynamite rabbit herself, laughing at Crust’s All Might jokes like they were the best thing under the sun – and no one ever laughed at Crust’s All Might jokes. “I just hope the others can keep up with this Neo-Miruko.”

“No kidding. She’s been bouncing around a lot.”

“...I still haven’t forgiven you for that Best Jeanist pun, by the way.” Ryukyu chuckled softly. Hawks rolled his eyes with a groan. He still hasn’t forgiven himself either. “I accept a coffee date as payment.”

“Duly noted.” But then the attention of both pros was brought by a curious sight: Miruko, in a three-piece suit, daintily ringing the spoon against her punch glass, grinning audaciously. “Huh. That’s a first.” Tatsuma hummed in a mildly curious tone. Everyone seemed to agree with her, including the paparazzi that finally left Kamui Woods on his own. Good. He deserved a five minutes of rest too.

“So, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make that announcement here, but what the hell. The others will hear of it before long.” Usagiyama said, twirling the spoon between her fingers. “I’ve received something far from the past recently, and it got me thinking.” Hawks felt a chill running down his spine. She _wouldn’t_. “I’m considering whether not to revisit the Miruko of the past, back when she was going under a different name.” _She would not._

“Still a little undecided on that, so expect some kind of statement from me by tomorrow. I’ll allow myself the pleasure of being a little mysterious for once~”

“...Hawks, it should be fine.” Tatsuma shook her head. “It might have nothing to do with that disc-”

\----

Ryukyu looked up from the “Hero & You” weekly Hawks brought her with a look of sheer disbelief. The headline screamed “The Rise Of The Killer Bunny”, followed by a familiar shot of Usagiyama grinning like a maniac. Seems they edited all the blood out and made her past teeth slightly less sharkish, at least.

Hawks smiled thinly, like a man that is about to meet a firing squad. “I’ve created a monster.”

\----

Somewhere else, in an undisclosed location…

Dabi slowly looked up from the newspaper, mentally counted to five, and then torched it with a brief burst of flames.


End file.
